thoughts

Its not easy fighting this disease even when you have been clean for awhile..that monster is still sitting there waiting for the moment it knows your weak to grab hold and return you to darkness. Even having certain people in your life has to stop. I thought some were my friends but once I had to take care of MYSELF and put their needs aside they changed and are no longer in my life. And today thats ok. I am ok with alot of things I never could handle before. I have the great support of my husband and family and thats all i need. I have a few friends who I use to get high with and are clean now in my life still and love them more then anything. And for those people I am grateful for because they remind me everyday that I am  good person and that I am so strong..

BED101

I had to make a choice and had to be made fast..since my husband has great insurance i am currently being admitted to detox me i can not do it myself i will have my phone and will be checking in once in awhile and im not sure how long but i can sign myself out. im not posting on my wall cuz really i dont want everyone in my life to know this. I never in myl life new anything was worse to detox off until now..im a strong minded person but not eating or sleeping and crying all night long was and is not my choice of fun.i may just be in a week and on the meds to help me make this new journey..I wont say that getting on suboxene or or methadone was a big mistake because for me IT SAVED MY LIFE..if i had know what im feeling now would feel this was i would still make the same choice..excpet how i just stopped cold turkey i regret tapering down 5mg a month.so take that advice if any.. Addiction is so uneducatingly judged and those who want help cant get it and those who dont want it are forced.i just know that MY RECOVERY MAY NOT WORK FOR YOU BECAUSE WE ARE ALL UNIQUE..i wouldnt change anything because it made me who i am today and it blessed me with two beautiful children and more on the way..i want a life where i can feel emotions and know how to deal qwith them instead of self medicating my self to numb me..the problems never go away until you make it happen, until you want it so much that your desire to stay sober is stronger is  then to get high then NO MATTER WHAT...FOR TODAY YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET HIGH.

THE ME I USE TO SEE

THE ME I USE TO SEE WAS SO HURT AND LIVED TO BE JUST LOVED..THE ME I USE TO BE WAS WILD..LOST AND ADDICTED TO DRUGS..A INNER ABUSED CHILD SEARCHING FOR LOVE..THE ME I USE TO SEE CRIED TO SLEEP..LIVED A LIFE IN THE STREET..THE ME I USE TO SEE HAD TO NUMB HERSELF FROM THE PAIN OTHERS CAUSED..THE ME I USE TO BE IS STILL IN ME..

sometimes it hurts to let go as much as it is to hold on...

sometimes i cant understand the taste of my words..

sometimes even when i am smiling i am hurting the worst..

sometimes i should say how i feel and not be afraid

sometimes i am wanting to go as much as i want to stay..

sometimes when i look at you i am whispering inside..

sometimes i think you know of these feelings for you i hide..

sometimes i break down and cry..

sometimes i am living this sometimes way of life..

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Being in the human service feild became a passion when i became clean and sober. I can not believe I marisa am 25 weeks away from graduating. This is the first the time I have ever finished.ok knock on wood almost finished since Im not there yet. But I have been blessed to have been given this chance. I just want to say to the active addict out there, your worth it! You dont have to go to school to feel that way but there is hope. Everyone has a calling and once you find yours then you can start taking the stepd towards a better way of life. Everyday is a struggle. Everytime Im faced with fear or anxiety the first choice use to be and sometimes is today is to go use and numb it away. Yes i know the problem will still be there but for that moment i wont have to deal with it. Recently i was faced with a situation that should not have happened and Im grown enough to admit my wrongs and lessons learned. I have always been that honest person, owning up to my mistakes. Because I REFUSE TO BE AS SICK AS MY SECRETS. thats the motto I have followed always. This feild will not always be what i want it to be with clients or co-workers but I can start from this day on to think before I speak and fight for what I know is truth. Treat others as I wish to treated. And always do good in everything. I am not perfect by far and I may have a issue expressing myself face to face. But on paper I have no issues and I think me having dislexia plays a part in that. Today I ok and will still hold my head up high and stand for what i know..