thoughts

As the days go by fast I have gone through a inner fight with myself. Im very stubborn and I try not to be. But I had to get rid of toxic people in my life. Even ones that dont get high because they were not truly my friend. I know now that just because I dont get high I can still have addict behaviors and now that I know which behaviors i have i am able to talk myself out of what i want to do. addiction is a every day struggle even when your sober. but i love the fact that I dont have to wake up and say hmm where am i gonna cop at today or how am I gonna make money? i hated this part so much. some days were easy but others not so much. I have lost so many people i love to this disease. Many passed away and many still out there using. so be careful because just when you think you got it..YOU DONT..always surround yourself with strong people who have a lot of clean time under their belt. those who are strong enough for the both of you to stay on the right chosen path.

Methadone Treatment

As time goes by
I wonder why
I ever went with you
You were nothing special, just something for me to do
Soon I started taking you each and very day
I just couldn’t seem to stay away
Many times I tried to quit
But I always needed that one last hit
Then that one last hit turned into a run
The whole time wishing with you I was done
You turned me into something vile
When I was with you I would never smile
Then one day I decided I had enough
Enough of your addictive stuff
I picked up the phone
and decided to try methadone
That was the call that saved my life
The call I am grateful I ever made
The call that made you fade
Fade away and never come back
It was a miracle I finally got that mystical knack
The knack for getting you off my back
So now it is eight months later
And I couldn’t feel greater
two years clean
two years clean without being a fean
So to all whom think it can’t be done
Please don’t start another run
Pick up the phone
You can’t do this alone
Just take the first step
I promise it is something you will never regret
You’ll see with support and hard work
How great it is to be free of drugs and not its slave
And you won’t end up in an early grave
So remember what I am saying is true
The drug can be beat
Be beat by you

Somewhere between what she survived and who she was becoming was exactly where she was meant to be.
She was starting to love the journey & find comfort in the quiet corners of her wildest dreams. They say people don't change...
Well she wasn't always this way.
Even if she didn't change the entire world, she would change her part of it. And she would affect the people she shared it with.
A butterfly whose wings have been touched can indeed still fly.
Whether something was meant to be, or meant to leave, didn't matter as much anymore.
She would soak up the sun, kiss the breeze and FLY REGARDLESS💋

Healthy Fears

LIfe can be DIFFICULT. And i have learned that boredom is difficult for me to deal with. This gives my addiction a open window to say hey perfect time to get high just for today. I wont lie this happens to me and then anxiety comes attacking and I start freaking out. But today i have a choice to act on my impulses or not. I have reached a point in my life where Im so sick and tired of being sick and tired and how did i ever survive out there because I cant do it today. Hell I cant get through a day with out taking a nap. But thats ok. These are what I call healthy fears. Whether you have 10 years clean or 1 day. This disease can grab hold of you in  a second if you let it. Your desire to stay clean/sober has to be stronger then your desire to get high or drink. Today my desire to stay clean is so strong because of the amazing chance God has given me to have this amazing life. I have no idea what I did right in my life to deserve what I have today but it can happen to anyone. Your never to hold to start fresh and over again. I have fallen many times and I have learned its not how you fall but how you get back up. Thats whats important. And to learn your triggers, get rid of toxic people in your life, and change your way of thinking to healthy and I promise it does get easy. I finally got me back. I was lost in a darkness ever since my papa died last year and I had to get on Bi-Polar medication to help me because it was so bad and I didnt see me coming to the light anytime soon. Sometimes you just got to get help. My healthy fear today is being around others that use or have criminal addictive thinking or addict behaviors sober. So I had rid myself of those people and i may be lonely at times but by the grace of God I am clean today...

thoughts

Its not easy fighting this disease even when you have been clean for awhile..that monster is still sitting there waiting for the moment it knows your weak to grab hold and return you to darkness. Even having certain people in your life has to stop. I thought some were my friends but once I had to take care of MYSELF and put their needs aside they changed and are no longer in my life. And today thats ok. I am ok with alot of things I never could handle before. I have the great support of my husband and family and thats all i need. I have a few friends who I use to get high with and are clean now in my life still and love them more then anything. And for those people I am grateful for because they remind me everyday that I am  good person and that I am so strong..

BED101

I had to make a choice and had to be made fast..since my husband has great insurance i am currently being admitted to detox me i can not do it myself i will have my phone and will be checking in once in awhile and im not sure how long but i can sign myself out. im not posting on my wall cuz really i dont want everyone in my life to know this. I never in myl life new anything was worse to detox off until now..im a strong minded person but not eating or sleeping and crying all night long was and is not my choice of fun.i may just be in a week and on the meds to help me make this new journey..I wont say that getting on suboxene or or methadone was a big mistake because for me IT SAVED MY LIFE..if i had know what im feeling now would feel this was i would still make the same choice..excpet how i just stopped cold turkey i regret tapering down 5mg a month.so take that advice if any.. Addiction is so uneducatingly judged and those who want help cant get it and those who dont want it are forced.i just know that MY RECOVERY MAY NOT WORK FOR YOU BECAUSE WE ARE ALL UNIQUE..i wouldnt change anything because it made me who i am today and it blessed me with two beautiful children and more on the way..i want a life where i can feel emotions and know how to deal qwith them instead of self medicating my self to numb me..the problems never go away until you make it happen, until you want it so much that your desire to stay sober is stronger is  then to get high then NO MATTER WHAT...FOR TODAY YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET HIGH.

THE ME I USE TO SEE

THE ME I USE TO SEE WAS SO HURT AND LIVED TO BE JUST LOVED..THE ME I USE TO BE WAS WILD..LOST AND ADDICTED TO DRUGS..A INNER ABUSED CHILD SEARCHING FOR LOVE..THE ME I USE TO SEE CRIED TO SLEEP..LIVED A LIFE IN THE STREET..THE ME I USE TO SEE HAD TO NUMB HERSELF FROM THE PAIN OTHERS CAUSED..THE ME I USE TO BE IS STILL IN ME..