Cant imagine life without him

I NEVER THOUGHT I WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE SINCE I WAS SO MESSED UP FROM THE MANY KINDS OF ABUSE I EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE. I HAD A FEW LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP BUT ONE WE WONT GO THERE. SURE ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE GREAT IN THE BEGINNING THEN BOOM THE ONE YOU COULDNT BREATHE WITHOUT AND YOU WOULD BE WITH HIM FOREVER HAS BEEN WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND EVEN GOT MARRIED BUT NOT TO YOU. IS IT ME? AM I THAT MESSED UP? AM I UGLY? AM I TOO FAT? I MEAN ALL THESE THOUGHTS RAN THROUGH MY MIND AND I STAYED ON THE COURSE OF DESTRUCTION.

I THINK THAT AFTER YEARS OF CRYING OUT TO GOD AND PRAYING HE ANSWERED MY PRAYERS THE DAY MY HUSBAND WALKED INTO MY LIFE. AND NOW I CAN NOT IMAGINE LIFE WITH OUT HIM. HE PROTECTS ME, HE LOVES ME, HE CARES ABOUT ME, HE GUIDES ME AND MOTIVATES ME AND MOST OF ALL HE DOESNT GIVE UP ON ME WHEN I GIVE UP ON MY SELF ITS MY HUSBAND WHO IS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. YES WE HAVE FIGHTS AND DISAGREEMENTS BUT THATS NORMAL. MARRIAGE IS NOT EASY THATS FOR SURE BUT ITS WORTH THE STRUGGLE TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE.

I FEEL BAD FOR HIM BECAUSE WHEN HE FOUND ME AND MARRIED ME I WAS SO BROKEN WITH NO SOLID FOUNDATION OR EVEN A PLAN WITH MY LIFE THEN I WAS BLESSED WITH HIM. HE STILL GIVES ME BUTTERFLIES AFTER 3 YEARS AND I JUST CANT SEE MY LIFE WITH OUT HIM.

Are we ever ok?

ARE WE EVER OK? ARE WE EVER SAFE FROM THIS DISEASE? ARE WE EVER STRONG ENOUGH? I HAVE FOUND MYSELF TO RELAPSE IN THE BEGINNING WHEN I SURROUND MYSELF WITH OTHER ACTIVE ADDICTS. I FIND MYSELF SAYING OH JUST ONE LAST TIME. JUST ONE LAST HIGH. FOR MANY OF MY FRIENDS IT WAS THEIR LAST BREATH AND IT STILL DIDNT STOP ME. OH IT WONT HAPPEN TO ME. BUT IT DID 4 TIMES I OVERDOSED AND GOT RIGHT BACK UP AND GOT HIGH AGAIN. EVERYTIME I GOT HIGH I CRIED OUT FOR HELP TO STOP BUT WHEN I DIDNT HAVE ANYTHING I WENT TO ALL LENGTHS TO GET IT. AS I THINK BACK ABOUT THE PERSON I USE TO BE I CAN NOT BELIEVE THE SANITY. I THINK WE ARE OK BUT AFTER YEARS OF HEALING AND THE DESIRE TO STAY SOBER HAS TO BE STRONGER THEN THE DESIRE TO GET HIGH.

Support

If you dont have the support you need during your recovery then you will fall. If you dont have anyone who understands your pain, your darkness, your reasons, your triggers then you will fall. People think it is so easy to just not pick up a drug or a drink. Everyday is a struggle but when you have the right people around you who are sober then you can make it. I hate this disease and what is has done to me and how is controlls me. But I refuse to give up the fight because I am stronger then I realize and life is so much better sober..

Bits and pieces of me..

He was 25 I was 18 and never had a boyfriend before. He gave a like a rush. I found me a bad boy. He was my first and the first person to force drugs on me. I lost myself that year all because of him. I remember driving around all day and night stealing bottles to make money so he can get high. Then one day he said either get out in the snow and cold or snort this line of heroin. I refused and got out then he followed me and I did it. I threw up 8 times. I will never forget. I hated it. Then i smoked weed and ate everything in his house. Drank my first drink. I lost the respect of my family and friends because of him. He would stalk me and go to my families house honking his horn outside until i came out and of course I did. Finally my grandfather had enough. He put me on a plane and sent me to my moms house in california. Just to get me away from this guy. I love my papa for that. Hes one old man you dont mess with.
So here I am in california still searching for love for acceptance for someone to think I was beautiful. I soon found the right/wrong crowd with my baby sister and Crank was the drug to do. I still have shame I am dealing with for getting high with my sister but thank god her life turned out to be amazing and drug free. But not me. I would go to the bay area and just get dropped off with no place to go but it wouldnt take long to find that crowd. And I did. I slept in cars, on mattresses in the woods behind apartment buildings, in laundrymats and smokes crank aka meth. I didnt like that drug much and that life was not me. So i made enough money to get back on the bus and head back to chicago. When I think about it to this day I still can Not believe I lived a life as I did. Oh but that was nothing compared to the life that I lived thats yet to come, it was the life that forever molded me and changed me into who I am today and how I even was so blessed to have this life I have today, but thats another day.

SOMETIMES IT NOT ALL THE TIME

TILL THERE..SOMETIMES I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF MY ADDICTION DOESNT CARE..SOMETIMES I HAVE EASY DAYS AND HARD ONES TOO.SOMETIMES I GO TO A MEETING TO HELP ME GET THROUGH..SOMETIMES I NEED TO TELL ON MYSELF SO I DONT GO BACK..SOMETIMES IM STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT THEE THE ATTACK..SOMETIMES THESE THOUGHTS FLOOD MY MIND..BUT TODAY MY SOMETIMES ARE HARD TO FIND...FOR GOD HAS BROUGHT ME WHERE I NEED TO BE..A PLACE WHERE EVERYDAY I TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME SO THAT I CAN BREAK FREE.............

writen by Marisa Marie @copywritten

remembering the me i use to be..........

i remember being so lost in the dark
the only sound was the beat of my heart
i remember crying empty tears
confused about how i got here

i remember tryin to numb the screaming pain deep inside
didnt know who or where to turn to save my life
i remember the me i use to be
didnt care about friends, family,not even me
i remember the day i cried for help
and God came and saved me from myself
i remember the masks i used to wear
the whatevers..the pain i caused..the im fine and i dont really care
i remember where ive been and dont want to go back to
but i am me today cuz of all ive been thru
i remember thinking this life style isnt for me
and it took all the strength i had to break free
and here i am today
living life Gods way
i remember all those i have left behind
and i pray that one day they to will find
that they are worth it and all you gotta do is take one day at a time

written By Marisa Marie @copywritten

Some one like me..

Talking about addiction is not easy because so many people have no knowledge and they judge because they no nothing. Its not a excuse. its not like i can pick up and put down. i lack what you have to do that. But i have used my experience to get myself educated and give back what was given to me. I will graduate next year with my Bachelors in Human Service concentration addiction counselor/behavioral therapist and will open and own a halfway house to house addicts who wish to change their life and live sober. Sure I still struggle, mostly with emotions because I use to self medicate myself instead of feeling something. I am currently and have been on the methadone program for almost 2 years now because I was at a point where either my relapse after 4 years was going to destroy all I have built. It wasn't my drug of choice which was heroin but the common anti depressant Xanax. You see i cant just take something like ordered. Many people think they know what addiction is, but despite non-experts' willingness to opine on its treatment and whether Britney or Lindsay's rehab was tough enough, the term is still a battleground. Is addiction a disease? A moral weakness? A disorder caused by drug or alcohol use, or a compulsive behavior that can also occur in relation to sex, food and maybe even video games?

As a former cocaine and heroin addict, these questions have long fascinated me. I want to know why, I am different. Once I graduate I will continue to my masters. My life today is of something I can not imagine but that will all be shared later. I choose to go back wards in my testimony since I have written my life story so many time I have never went backwards and I think this will help me to catch what I didnt catch before to help me help others including myself.

Let the journey begin..

I think the one thing that really woke me up was losing custody of my children. It killed me inside to where I really did not care anymore. I fought to get them back but I was alone with no help to comply with a case plan at 8 months pregnant. Then since they had my 4 year old son they were talking my newborn daughter to. She was 4 days old when they took her. Actually they had to hold me down and ripped her from my arms while breast feeding her. I use to get high to feel numb and not cry everyday. Getting high would fill that void but I know that nothing could replace your children but by the time I figured it out, my addiction had swallowed me whole. Its easier said then done when people would say of course with out knowledge go get your life together, go get your kids. I wish is was that easy. I fought and complied with the case plan but the worker hated me and would say I was not doing what I suppose to. I even went and found a job that would hire me 8 months pregnant but had to let me go because I was a risk for them. So after they took my daughter, I died inside. And this is the first time I am able to talk about it because well my life is different today but I'll get to that.

What is addiction to you..?

People here the word drug addict, junkie, crack head, meth head etc. There is so many names but not one of them really is right. Addiction is a disease just like diabetes, its treatable but it will never go away or be cured. 

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.
Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

Here is a poem I wrote years ago when I took my first steps in recovery....

When you look at me, what do you see..
Can you see the years of tears that I cried..
Can you remember all the lies that I lied..
Do you want to know any of the secrets that I hide..
When you look at me, what do you see..
Can you see the scars upon my skin or..
Can you hear them as the scream more from deep within.
Do you know of anything I have been through..
Can you see who I see when I look at you..
When you look at me, what do you see..
Can you feel the intense love that boils inside of me..

Can you taste my fears when your lips touch mine..

Do you care to know about all the darkness in my life..

When you look at me, what do you see..

Can you smell the blood my addiction bleeds..

Can you understand the hunger, feel the need..

Do you know what really lives in me..

When you look at me, what do you see..

Can you see the look in his eyes as he raped me..

Can you taste the sweat of his hunger and fear..

Do you know every day I feel him as if he were still here..

When you look at me, what do you see..

Can you see the things I've seen, feel the hate I felt..

Can you understand what Ive got behind my belt..

So many years, So many lonely nights, So many wishing to just give up the fight..

Will this pain in my heart stop screaming..

Will I have a life with meaning..

Many don't understand the cry less cry's I unload..

I am to weak to hold on, to strong to let go..

When you look at me, what do you see..

Now that I've let you see this addiction that lives deep in me?

by marisa april 2010 @copywritten

Rock Bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life on.Addiction is not a disease of willpower. Its is a disease of instinct. It lives in the part of the brain that tells you to breathe. Being swallowed up by this darkness is the worse thing that could ever happen to you. It becomes a need, a hunger, a way of life, it becomes apart of you like the air that you need to breathe. My journey began at 18 years old, I met a guy who used heroin and smoked weed and I was clueless back then. I don't exactly blame him but he did not stop me from trying anything either. I want to go back just a little bit and maybe this is the reason why I became a addict. 

Being a child in a abusive home you find a way to escape the moment when your in this situation. I use to always be grounded to my room where I lived in a fantasy world where nobody could harm me. I lacked a emotional connection, love, and affection as a child. I was not this bad child either. I was a victim. Needless to say I believe very much that because of this when I was given the chance to feel these needs with a drug I went for it. I don't blame anyone anymore now but I hold those who hurt me responsible for the choices that lead me down the journey I took. I spent my whole life trying to fill that void I had and I only dug my own grave. I am writing this Blog on my journey of addiction to give others hope, to say hey I did it and so can you. you are NOT ALONE!