thoughts

As the days go by fast I have gone through a inner fight with myself. Im very stubborn and I try not to be. But I had to get rid of toxic people in my life. Even ones that dont get high because they were not truly my friend. I know now that just because I dont get high I can still have addict behaviors and now that I know which behaviors i have i am able to talk myself out of what i want to do. addiction is a every day struggle even when your sober. but i love the fact that I dont have to wake up and say hmm where am i gonna cop at today or how am I gonna make money? i hated this part so much. some days were easy but others not so much. I have lost so many people i love to this disease. Many passed away and many still out there using. so be careful because just when you think you got it..YOU DONT..always surround yourself with strong people who have a lot of clean time under their belt. those who are strong enough for the both of you to stay on the right chosen path.

Methadone Treatment

As time goes by
I wonder why
I ever went with you
You were nothing special, just something for me to do
Soon I started taking you each and very day
I just couldn’t seem to stay away
Many times I tried to quit
But I always needed that one last hit
Then that one last hit turned into a run
The whole time wishing with you I was done
You turned me into something vile
When I was with you I would never smile
Then one day I decided I had enough
Enough of your addictive stuff
I picked up the phone
and decided to try methadone
That was the call that saved my life
The call I am grateful I ever made
The call that made you fade
Fade away and never come back
It was a miracle I finally got that mystical knack
The knack for getting you off my back
So now it is eight months later
And I couldn’t feel greater
two years clean
two years clean without being a fean
So to all whom think it can’t be done
Please don’t start another run
Pick up the phone
You can’t do this alone
Just take the first step
I promise it is something you will never regret
You’ll see with support and hard work
How great it is to be free of drugs and not its slave
And you won’t end up in an early grave
So remember what I am saying is true
The drug can be beat
Be beat by you

Somewhere between what she survived and who she was becoming was exactly where she was meant to be.
She was starting to love the journey & find comfort in the quiet corners of her wildest dreams. They say people don't change...
Well she wasn't always this way.
Even if she didn't change the entire world, she would change her part of it. And she would affect the people she shared it with.
A butterfly whose wings have been touched can indeed still fly.
Whether something was meant to be, or meant to leave, didn't matter as much anymore.
She would soak up the sun, kiss the breeze and FLY REGARDLESS💋

Healthy Fears

LIfe can be DIFFICULT. And i have learned that boredom is difficult for me to deal with. This gives my addiction a open window to say hey perfect time to get high just for today. I wont lie this happens to me and then anxiety comes attacking and I start freaking out. But today i have a choice to act on my impulses or not. I have reached a point in my life where Im so sick and tired of being sick and tired and how did i ever survive out there because I cant do it today. Hell I cant get through a day with out taking a nap. But thats ok. These are what I call healthy fears. Whether you have 10 years clean or 1 day. This disease can grab hold of you in  a second if you let it. Your desire to stay clean/sober has to be stronger then your desire to get high or drink. Today my desire to stay clean is so strong because of the amazing chance God has given me to have this amazing life. I have no idea what I did right in my life to deserve what I have today but it can happen to anyone. Your never to hold to start fresh and over again. I have fallen many times and I have learned its not how you fall but how you get back up. Thats whats important. And to learn your triggers, get rid of toxic people in your life, and change your way of thinking to healthy and I promise it does get easy. I finally got me back. I was lost in a darkness ever since my papa died last year and I had to get on Bi-Polar medication to help me because it was so bad and I didnt see me coming to the light anytime soon. Sometimes you just got to get help. My healthy fear today is being around others that use or have criminal addictive thinking or addict behaviors sober. So I had rid myself of those people and i may be lonely at times but by the grace of God I am clean today...

thoughts

Its not easy fighting this disease even when you have been clean for awhile..that monster is still sitting there waiting for the moment it knows your weak to grab hold and return you to darkness. Even having certain people in your life has to stop. I thought some were my friends but once I had to take care of MYSELF and put their needs aside they changed and are no longer in my life. And today thats ok. I am ok with alot of things I never could handle before. I have the great support of my husband and family and thats all i need. I have a few friends who I use to get high with and are clean now in my life still and love them more then anything. And for those people I am grateful for because they remind me everyday that I am  good person and that I am so strong..

BED101

I had to make a choice and had to be made fast..since my husband has great insurance i am currently being admitted to detox me i can not do it myself i will have my phone and will be checking in once in awhile and im not sure how long but i can sign myself out. im not posting on my wall cuz really i dont want everyone in my life to know this. I never in myl life new anything was worse to detox off until now..im a strong minded person but not eating or sleeping and crying all night long was and is not my choice of fun.i may just be in a week and on the meds to help me make this new journey..I wont say that getting on suboxene or or methadone was a big mistake because for me IT SAVED MY LIFE..if i had know what im feeling now would feel this was i would still make the same choice..excpet how i just stopped cold turkey i regret tapering down 5mg a month.so take that advice if any.. Addiction is so uneducatingly judged and those who want help cant get it and those who dont want it are forced.i just know that MY RECOVERY MAY NOT WORK FOR YOU BECAUSE WE ARE ALL UNIQUE..i wouldnt change anything because it made me who i am today and it blessed me with two beautiful children and more on the way..i want a life where i can feel emotions and know how to deal qwith them instead of self medicating my self to numb me..the problems never go away until you make it happen, until you want it so much that your desire to stay sober is stronger is  then to get high then NO MATTER WHAT...FOR TODAY YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET HIGH.

THE ME I USE TO SEE

THE ME I USE TO SEE WAS SO HURT AND LIVED TO BE JUST LOVED..THE ME I USE TO BE WAS WILD..LOST AND ADDICTED TO DRUGS..A INNER ABUSED CHILD SEARCHING FOR LOVE..THE ME I USE TO SEE CRIED TO SLEEP..LIVED A LIFE IN THE STREET..THE ME I USE TO SEE HAD TO NUMB HERSELF FROM THE PAIN OTHERS CAUSED..THE ME I USE TO BE IS STILL IN ME..

sometimes it hurts to let go as much as it is to hold on...

sometimes i cant understand the taste of my words..

sometimes even when i am smiling i am hurting the worst..

sometimes i should say how i feel and not be afraid

sometimes i am wanting to go as much as i want to stay..

sometimes when i look at you i am whispering inside..

sometimes i think you know of these feelings for you i hide..

sometimes i break down and cry..

sometimes i am living this sometimes way of life..

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

Being in the human service feild became a passion when i became clean and sober. I can not believe I marisa am 25 weeks away from graduating. This is the first the time I have ever finished.ok knock on wood almost finished since Im not there yet. But I have been blessed to have been given this chance. I just want to say to the active addict out there, your worth it! You dont have to go to school to feel that way but there is hope. Everyone has a calling and once you find yours then you can start taking the stepd towards a better way of life. Everyday is a struggle. Everytime Im faced with fear or anxiety the first choice use to be and sometimes is today is to go use and numb it away. Yes i know the problem will still be there but for that moment i wont have to deal with it. Recently i was faced with a situation that should not have happened and Im grown enough to admit my wrongs and lessons learned. I have always been that honest person, owning up to my mistakes. Because I REFUSE TO BE AS SICK AS MY SECRETS. thats the motto I have followed always. This feild will not always be what i want it to be with clients or co-workers but I can start from this day on to think before I speak and fight for what I know is truth. Treat others as I wish to treated. And always do good in everything. I am not perfect by far and I may have a issue expressing myself face to face. But on paper I have no issues and I think me having dislexia plays a part in that. Today I ok and will still hold my head up high and stand for what i know..

YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW

I JUST DO NOT GET MY HEART IS SO BIG AND IM NOT RICH BUT WHEN I OPEN MY SELF, MY HOME, AND ANYTHING NEEDED. I GET SOMETHING I NEED VERY MUCH STOLEN FROM ME INSTEAD OF ASKING ME. BECAUSE HELL IF YOU NEED SOMETHING THAT BAD...ITS YOURS! I HAVE BEEN IN A DARKNESS LATELY BECAUSE IM JUST SICK OF BITING MY TONGUE WHILE OTHERS DONT. AND THEY FEEL THEY CAN TALK ANY KIND OF WAY THEY WANT TO ME. WELL GUESS WHAT. NOT ANYMORE WILL MARISA BE YOUR DOORMAT. NOT ANYMORE WILL MARISA BE THE ONE TO RUN YOU AROUND OR GGO OUT OF MY WAY TO HELP YOU CUZ WHO HELPS ME????? VERY FEW HAVE HELPED ME AND I LOVE AND RESPECT THEM SO DEEPLY BUT IM JUST AT A BREAKING POINT. OF WHY STAY SOBER? I  CANT DEAL WITH ALL THESE EMOTIONS AND PEOPLE WHO JUST LIE TO MY FACE AND GET WHAT THEY CAN FROM ME, OH AND DONT FORGET THE ONES WHO FEEL ITS NEEDED TO TALK TO MY HUSBAND..YEAH HANG UP CUZ YOU HAVE NO REASON TO EVEN TALK TO HIM ABOUT ME. I DONT GO AND TALK TO YOUR HUSBANDS OR BOYFRIEND SO WHY TALK TO MINE?? UGH BAD DAY BAD WEEK ACTUALLY. OK VENT OVER.. <3

SHUTTING DOWN

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO IT NEVER MAKES OTHERS HAPPY. THIS WEEK HAS BEEN THE HARDEST WEEK TO GET THROUGH. JUST BECAUSE I SMILE DOESNT MEAN MY HEART IS. I JUST AVE SO MUCH GOING ON ITS HARD SOMEDAYS TO KEEP GOING. ITS BETTER TO JUST SLEEP IT OFF. BUT THE FIRST THING TO DO IS NO LONGER MY FIRST CHOICE AND THATS TO GET HIGH. BUT I DO TEND TO SHUT DOWN AND JUST STAY TO MYSELF. ITS EASIER THAT WAY FOR ME TO JUST SHUT DOWN AND BOTTLE EVERYTHING INSIDE BECAUSE WHO WANTS TO HEAR MY PROBLEMS WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR OWN TO DEAL WITH.

Cant imagine life without him

I NEVER THOUGHT I WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE SINCE I WAS SO MESSED UP FROM THE MANY KINDS OF ABUSE I EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE. I HAD A FEW LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP BUT ONE WE WONT GO THERE. SURE ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE GREAT IN THE BEGINNING THEN BOOM THE ONE YOU COULDNT BREATHE WITHOUT AND YOU WOULD BE WITH HIM FOREVER HAS BEEN WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND EVEN GOT MARRIED BUT NOT TO YOU. IS IT ME? AM I THAT MESSED UP? AM I UGLY? AM I TOO FAT? I MEAN ALL THESE THOUGHTS RAN THROUGH MY MIND AND I STAYED ON THE COURSE OF DESTRUCTION.

I THINK THAT AFTER YEARS OF CRYING OUT TO GOD AND PRAYING HE ANSWERED MY PRAYERS THE DAY MY HUSBAND WALKED INTO MY LIFE. AND NOW I CAN NOT IMAGINE LIFE WITH OUT HIM. HE PROTECTS ME, HE LOVES ME, HE CARES ABOUT ME, HE GUIDES ME AND MOTIVATES ME AND MOST OF ALL HE DOESNT GIVE UP ON ME WHEN I GIVE UP ON MY SELF ITS MY HUSBAND WHO IS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME. YES WE HAVE FIGHTS AND DISAGREEMENTS BUT THATS NORMAL. MARRIAGE IS NOT EASY THATS FOR SURE BUT ITS WORTH THE STRUGGLE TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE.

I FEEL BAD FOR HIM BECAUSE WHEN HE FOUND ME AND MARRIED ME I WAS SO BROKEN WITH NO SOLID FOUNDATION OR EVEN A PLAN WITH MY LIFE THEN I WAS BLESSED WITH HIM. HE STILL GIVES ME BUTTERFLIES AFTER 3 YEARS AND I JUST CANT SEE MY LIFE WITH OUT HIM.

Are we ever ok?

ARE WE EVER OK? ARE WE EVER SAFE FROM THIS DISEASE? ARE WE EVER STRONG ENOUGH? I HAVE FOUND MYSELF TO RELAPSE IN THE BEGINNING WHEN I SURROUND MYSELF WITH OTHER ACTIVE ADDICTS. I FIND MYSELF SAYING OH JUST ONE LAST TIME. JUST ONE LAST HIGH. FOR MANY OF MY FRIENDS IT WAS THEIR LAST BREATH AND IT STILL DIDNT STOP ME. OH IT WONT HAPPEN TO ME. BUT IT DID 4 TIMES I OVERDOSED AND GOT RIGHT BACK UP AND GOT HIGH AGAIN. EVERYTIME I GOT HIGH I CRIED OUT FOR HELP TO STOP BUT WHEN I DIDNT HAVE ANYTHING I WENT TO ALL LENGTHS TO GET IT. AS I THINK BACK ABOUT THE PERSON I USE TO BE I CAN NOT BELIEVE THE SANITY. I THINK WE ARE OK BUT AFTER YEARS OF HEALING AND THE DESIRE TO STAY SOBER HAS TO BE STRONGER THEN THE DESIRE TO GET HIGH.

Support

If you dont have the support you need during your recovery then you will fall. If you dont have anyone who understands your pain, your darkness, your reasons, your triggers then you will fall. People think it is so easy to just not pick up a drug or a drink. Everyday is a struggle but when you have the right people around you who are sober then you can make it. I hate this disease and what is has done to me and how is controlls me. But I refuse to give up the fight because I am stronger then I realize and life is so much better sober..

Bits and pieces of me..

He was 25 I was 18 and never had a boyfriend before. He gave a like a rush. I found me a bad boy. He was my first and the first person to force drugs on me. I lost myself that year all because of him. I remember driving around all day and night stealing bottles to make money so he can get high. Then one day he said either get out in the snow and cold or snort this line of heroin. I refused and got out then he followed me and I did it. I threw up 8 times. I will never forget. I hated it. Then i smoked weed and ate everything in his house. Drank my first drink. I lost the respect of my family and friends because of him. He would stalk me and go to my families house honking his horn outside until i came out and of course I did. Finally my grandfather had enough. He put me on a plane and sent me to my moms house in california. Just to get me away from this guy. I love my papa for that. Hes one old man you dont mess with.
So here I am in california still searching for love for acceptance for someone to think I was beautiful. I soon found the right/wrong crowd with my baby sister and Crank was the drug to do. I still have shame I am dealing with for getting high with my sister but thank god her life turned out to be amazing and drug free. But not me. I would go to the bay area and just get dropped off with no place to go but it wouldnt take long to find that crowd. And I did. I slept in cars, on mattresses in the woods behind apartment buildings, in laundrymats and smokes crank aka meth. I didnt like that drug much and that life was not me. So i made enough money to get back on the bus and head back to chicago. When I think about it to this day I still can Not believe I lived a life as I did. Oh but that was nothing compared to the life that I lived thats yet to come, it was the life that forever molded me and changed me into who I am today and how I even was so blessed to have this life I have today, but thats another day.

SOMETIMES IT NOT ALL THE TIME

TILL THERE..SOMETIMES I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF MY ADDICTION DOESNT CARE..SOMETIMES I HAVE EASY DAYS AND HARD ONES TOO.SOMETIMES I GO TO A MEETING TO HELP ME GET THROUGH..SOMETIMES I NEED TO TELL ON MYSELF SO I DONT GO BACK..SOMETIMES IM STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT THEE THE ATTACK..SOMETIMES THESE THOUGHTS FLOOD MY MIND..BUT TODAY MY SOMETIMES ARE HARD TO FIND...FOR GOD HAS BROUGHT ME WHERE I NEED TO BE..A PLACE WHERE EVERYDAY I TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME SO THAT I CAN BREAK FREE.............

writen by Marisa Marie @copywritten

remembering the me i use to be..........

i remember being so lost in the dark
the only sound was the beat of my heart
i remember crying empty tears
confused about how i got here

i remember tryin to numb the screaming pain deep inside
didnt know who or where to turn to save my life
i remember the me i use to be
didnt care about friends, family,not even me
i remember the day i cried for help
and God came and saved me from myself
i remember the masks i used to wear
the whatevers..the pain i caused..the im fine and i dont really care
i remember where ive been and dont want to go back to
but i am me today cuz of all ive been thru
i remember thinking this life style isnt for me
and it took all the strength i had to break free
and here i am today
living life Gods way
i remember all those i have left behind
and i pray that one day they to will find
that they are worth it and all you gotta do is take one day at a time

written By Marisa Marie @copywritten

Some one like me..

Talking about addiction is not easy because so many people have no knowledge and they judge because they no nothing. Its not a excuse. its not like i can pick up and put down. i lack what you have to do that. But i have used my experience to get myself educated and give back what was given to me. I will graduate next year with my Bachelors in Human Service concentration addiction counselor/behavioral therapist and will open and own a halfway house to house addicts who wish to change their life and live sober. Sure I still struggle, mostly with emotions because I use to self medicate myself instead of feeling something. I am currently and have been on the methadone program for almost 2 years now because I was at a point where either my relapse after 4 years was going to destroy all I have built. It wasn't my drug of choice which was heroin but the common anti depressant Xanax. You see i cant just take something like ordered. Many people think they know what addiction is, but despite non-experts' willingness to opine on its treatment and whether Britney or Lindsay's rehab was tough enough, the term is still a battleground. Is addiction a disease? A moral weakness? A disorder caused by drug or alcohol use, or a compulsive behavior that can also occur in relation to sex, food and maybe even video games?

As a former cocaine and heroin addict, these questions have long fascinated me. I want to know why, I am different. Once I graduate I will continue to my masters. My life today is of something I can not imagine but that will all be shared later. I choose to go back wards in my testimony since I have written my life story so many time I have never went backwards and I think this will help me to catch what I didnt catch before to help me help others including myself.

Let the journey begin..

I think the one thing that really woke me up was losing custody of my children. It killed me inside to where I really did not care anymore. I fought to get them back but I was alone with no help to comply with a case plan at 8 months pregnant. Then since they had my 4 year old son they were talking my newborn daughter to. She was 4 days old when they took her. Actually they had to hold me down and ripped her from my arms while breast feeding her. I use to get high to feel numb and not cry everyday. Getting high would fill that void but I know that nothing could replace your children but by the time I figured it out, my addiction had swallowed me whole. Its easier said then done when people would say of course with out knowledge go get your life together, go get your kids. I wish is was that easy. I fought and complied with the case plan but the worker hated me and would say I was not doing what I suppose to. I even went and found a job that would hire me 8 months pregnant but had to let me go because I was a risk for them. So after they took my daughter, I died inside. And this is the first time I am able to talk about it because well my life is different today but I'll get to that.

What is addiction to you..?

People here the word drug addict, junkie, crack head, meth head etc. There is so many names but not one of them really is right. Addiction is a disease just like diabetes, its treatable but it will never go away or be cured. 

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.
Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

Here is a poem I wrote years ago when I took my first steps in recovery....

When you look at me, what do you see..
Can you see the years of tears that I cried..
Can you remember all the lies that I lied..
Do you want to know any of the secrets that I hide..
When you look at me, what do you see..
Can you see the scars upon my skin or..
Can you hear them as the scream more from deep within.
Do you know of anything I have been through..
Can you see who I see when I look at you..
When you look at me, what do you see..
Can you feel the intense love that boils inside of me..

Can you taste my fears when your lips touch mine..

Do you care to know about all the darkness in my life..

When you look at me, what do you see..

Can you smell the blood my addiction bleeds..

Can you understand the hunger, feel the need..

Do you know what really lives in me..

When you look at me, what do you see..

Can you see the look in his eyes as he raped me..

Can you taste the sweat of his hunger and fear..

Do you know every day I feel him as if he were still here..

When you look at me, what do you see..

Can you see the things I've seen, feel the hate I felt..

Can you understand what Ive got behind my belt..

So many years, So many lonely nights, So many wishing to just give up the fight..

Will this pain in my heart stop screaming..

Will I have a life with meaning..

Many don't understand the cry less cry's I unload..

I am to weak to hold on, to strong to let go..

When you look at me, what do you see..

Now that I've let you see this addiction that lives deep in me?

by marisa april 2010 @copywritten

Rock Bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life on.Addiction is not a disease of willpower. Its is a disease of instinct. It lives in the part of the brain that tells you to breathe. Being swallowed up by this darkness is the worse thing that could ever happen to you. It becomes a need, a hunger, a way of life, it becomes apart of you like the air that you need to breathe. My journey began at 18 years old, I met a guy who used heroin and smoked weed and I was clueless back then. I don't exactly blame him but he did not stop me from trying anything either. I want to go back just a little bit and maybe this is the reason why I became a addict. 

Being a child in a abusive home you find a way to escape the moment when your in this situation. I use to always be grounded to my room where I lived in a fantasy world where nobody could harm me. I lacked a emotional connection, love, and affection as a child. I was not this bad child either. I was a victim. Needless to say I believe very much that because of this when I was given the chance to feel these needs with a drug I went for it. I don't blame anyone anymore now but I hold those who hurt me responsible for the choices that lead me down the journey I took. I spent my whole life trying to fill that void I had and I only dug my own grave. I am writing this Blog on my journey of addiction to give others hope, to say hey I did it and so can you. you are NOT ALONE!